Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.