Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)