Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
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date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting