Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

thank god

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

An odd boast

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head