Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

What if all the cashiers are married?

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*