Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
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Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…