Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…