[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??