[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
You Might Also Like
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go