[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri