Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

I am a gravy boat captain

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

Pass gas, not judgment.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

dutch so unserious

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan