Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
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Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Sounds like a bargain
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack