Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
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It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Meow
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?