Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that