Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid