Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

This trial is so absurd 😭

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

TRAIN’S HERE

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up