Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
These are so Plastic Man-core
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️