Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.