Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

All is fair in drunk and war.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting