Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Put this video in the Louvre

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

quarantine day 3

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.