Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
You Might Also Like
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.