Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

What’s so funny?

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

“TGIM!” – My liver

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!