Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon