Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Sir, you tapping your foot behind me at this self checkout must mean you want me to slow down and read the nutritional label on each individual item.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.