Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

So Hamburger help me, God

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught