Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
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Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My birthstone is kidney
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Baller is short for ballerina
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”