Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

wow

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

Now who done made this a sport lmao

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks