Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.