Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
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Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon