Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
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5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I know this now 😂
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
They grow up so quick
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM