Life cycle of cat
You Might Also Like
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.