Life cycle of cat
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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
😂💯
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose