Life cycle of cat
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Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go