Life cycle of cat
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.