life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
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*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.