Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

My fantasy football season is going great

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.