Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

logging onto twitter…

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

having children is a pyramid scheme.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

This is my emotional support knife.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is