Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

my favorite gender

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

no refunds

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.