Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!