(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
