(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
You Might Also Like
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot