(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.