Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!