While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
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*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
OMG I LOVE RUNNING!
*endorphins wear off
That shit can’t happen again.
You can call me a “simpleton” if you
But I ask you this.
What is that. What is simpleton, is that
like a good or bad thing, not sure
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If you don’t like where you are in your life
~ Then move you are not a tree
Me: So,… tell me a little bit about yourself
Date: I’m a small fruit that grows on a tree!
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.