Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

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While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.


*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*



*endorphins wear off

That shit can’t happen again.


You can call me a “simpleton” if you
But I ask you this.
What is that. What is simpleton, is that
like a good or bad thing, not sure


cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go


My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.


If you don’t like where you are in your life

~ Then move you are not a tree


Me: So,… tell me a little bit about yourself

Date: I’m a small fruit that grows on a tree!


We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.


My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.