Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
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one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.