Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.