Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Childbirth is so beautiful

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

I need to get some bricks…

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

consequences, the bane of my existence

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)