Life hack
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wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.