Life hack
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HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
My love language is deader than Latin
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
🥲
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.