Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.