Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.