Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

how many bears make up a bear minimum

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

When you let grandma cat sit

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*