Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Salad is the decaf of food.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”