Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.