Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

🤣🤣

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

This seems like peak sibling energy

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

I was just discussing this with my cat

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.