Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.