Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
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what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.