LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
The French cow says MEUX…
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
You can’t outrun your problems…
An odd boast
