Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
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INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
He instantly became one of the bros
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.