Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.