Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.