life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
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Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
A man of commitment.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes