LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
A friend helps you before you need it
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Get off my horse you stupid moon
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please