LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
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the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Saturday
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*