LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
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Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…