Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs