Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face