Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Just parrot things

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

time for some seasonal decor

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

This classic never gets old . . .

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.