Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on