Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one